What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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