What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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