What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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