What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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