What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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