What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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