What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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