What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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