What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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How many Mensans does it take to tell Mensa light bulb jokes?

Five. One to tell the joke and one to get it.
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