What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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