What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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