What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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I just watched a debate as to which cartoons were better- Disney or Warner Bros.

I have to say it got very animated.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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