What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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