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What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.
Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?
he got a little behind in his work.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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What did the boat say to the pier?
What's up, dock?
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How is a dog like a telephone?
It has a collar I.D.
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What goes up and down but never moves?
Stairs.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?
Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?
Because there are too many ears.
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