What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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