What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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