What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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