What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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