What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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