What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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