What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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