What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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