What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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