What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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