What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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