What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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