What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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