What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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