What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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