What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

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What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?

"The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

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