What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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