What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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