What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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