What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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