What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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