What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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