What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!

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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.

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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.

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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow

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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.

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