What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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