What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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