What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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