What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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