What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice carton?

Because it said CONCENTRATE.
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