What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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