What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they'd be alloys.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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