What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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