What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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