What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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