What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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