What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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