What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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