What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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