What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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