What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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