What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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