What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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