What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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Why did the oreo go to the dentist?

To get his filling!
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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