What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?

Snowbody!
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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