What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they'd be alloys.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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