What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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