What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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