What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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