What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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