What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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