What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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