What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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