What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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