What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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