What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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