What did one tooth say to the other tooth?

The dentist is taking me out tonight.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What does one bucket say to the other?

I am feeling pale today.
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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