What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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