What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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