What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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