What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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