What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What do camels use to hide themselves?

Camelflauge
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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