What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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