What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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