What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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