What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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