What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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