What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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