What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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