What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one, and screw itself in.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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