What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity?

Shocked.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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