What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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