What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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