What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do?

Make America Hate Again.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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