What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.

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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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