What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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