What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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