What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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