What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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