What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why did the basketball player bring his suitcase to his game?

Because he traveled a lot.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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