What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

He was catching all the chickens!
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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