What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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