What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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