What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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