What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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