What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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