What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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