What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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