What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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