What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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