What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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