What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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