What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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