What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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