What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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