What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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