What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.
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