What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!

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