What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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