What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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