What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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