What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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