What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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