What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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