What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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