What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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