What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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