What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.

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What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!

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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess

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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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