What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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