What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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