What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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