What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What do camels use to hide themselves?

Camelflauge
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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