What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why did the student eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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