What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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