What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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