What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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