What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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