What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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