What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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