What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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