What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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