What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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