What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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