What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.
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