What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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