What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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