What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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