What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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