What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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