What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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