What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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