What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.

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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.

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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.

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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!

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