What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile

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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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