What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!

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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!

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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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