What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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