What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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