What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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