What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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