What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!
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