What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?

"Feel the World."
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.

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