What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.

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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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