What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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