What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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