What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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